Five Times Alex Said I Love You
by uptightcrankyshadownet
Summary: The title says it all. Nalex!


The first time, Alex doesn't even say it out loud. She just writes it in her best penmanship on a piece of scrap paper and thinks for a long time about whether it's better to put it on the keyboard of Nikita's laptop or on top of the fresh kailan in the fridge.

She ends up losing her nerve after looking into Nikita's eyes once, and flushing the paper down the toilet.

She'll find some way to admit her feelings, some other day.

The second time, Nikita's sweeping out of the house leaving Alex to wither away in front of the computer alone, just like so many times before. She's out of the door before Alex even finishes her soft, barely audible 'I love you' under her breath.

She's relieved. I'll tell her another time, Alex decides. It can wait. She'll think I'm crazy anyway.

The third time is after the whole saga with the Prince of Georgia, when Nikita is refilling her wineglass as well as Alex's. She's rehearsed a pseudo-speech, but her tongue slips, and all that comes out is a light, seemingly joking 'you know, I love you'.

Nikita just grins and pecks her on the forehead. It's not the kind of kiss a lover would give; it's a friendly, almost maternal one, and Alex's heart drops to her stomach when Nikita answers as breezily, 'Love you too'.

She just doesn't see the deeper meaning.

As Nikita returns the wine to its place, Alex suppresses a disappointed sigh. Once again, she shelves her confession for 'some other time'.

Maybe it's time to give up thinking she'll ever get this through to Nikita.

The fourth time is after Michael comes to their place, and while Alex listens and peers through through the keyhole, he quietly tells Nikita that it's over.

She watches helplessly, stomach churning as Nikita's legs give out beneath her when Michael presses the ring into her hand and closes her fingers over it, telling her to do what she wants with it. He walks out of the door without looking back. Without seeing Nikita on her knees, frozen, chest heaving from the sobs she can't control.

Alex has no idea what the protocol is in these kind of situations, but she inches the door open and edges out, tiptoeing cautiously to Nikita's side and squatting there, just watching her awkwardly as tears roll down Nikita's cheeks.

"Hey," She murmurs.

Nikita's response is to yank her own ring off and shove both violently into Alex's lap. "Take them and throw them into the sea." Her voice is rough and hoarse with unbridled torment and heartbreak. "And leave me alone."

Alex makes a fist around the rings, the cold metal biting into her palm and scoring her heart with fresh, angry lesions as she watches Nikita stagger to the washroom, and then the sound of someone throwing up. She closes her eyes, trying to stop the tears as she whispers what she knows she can't say, not now, not ever again.

"But I love you too."

The fifth time comes after Nikita walks in on Alex with the engagement rings she never disposed of, sawing off a small section of Michael's band with a drill. Beads of sweat slide down her temples out of sheer concentration and she slices a clean cut down one marked line before moving on to the other, the carefully measured segment of metal falling into a waiting container for the later re-welding.

Nikita waits til Alex finishes the cutting before she asks, "Alex, what are you doing?"

Alex doesn't reply til a few moments of hesitation. "If you and Michael aren't going to get married, I'm going to make sure there's some symbol that represents the love you once shared."

"So… you're linking our rings together?"

She nods. "Good idea, to me. You can keep them if you want."

Her mentor shakes her head bitterly, eyes shadowed with pain. "What purpose does it serve, except to remind me how I failed- _again? _First I lost Daniel, then I lost Michael. Who am I going to lose next?"

Alex, who's just looped the rings together, pauses and puts the solder she's picked up back down, removing her safety goggles. "Whoever you lose, you're not going to lose me." The words flow so easily she doesn't know how she never said all this before, but right now, she feels exceptionally vulnerable and raw, unable to hold back. "You're _everything _to me, Nikita. I want the best for you. If getting Michael back would make you happy I would go to the ends of the earth to find a way. If killing him instead would do the same I'd do it in an instant. I love you, Nikita Mears." The rings fall with a clatter from her fingers onto the wood table and Alex repeats, clear as a bell. "I love you."

Saying it makes the weight vanish from Alex's shoulders instantly. Her heart feels instantly lighter. There, she's done it. No matter what happens now, her feelings are out in the open. She'll tackle everything else as it comes, somehow.

There's nothing to tackle when Nikita steps forward and hugs her, squeezing her arms firmly around the petite young woman. "Thank you."

It's not 'I love you too', but Alex doesn't need to hear that to know that it's what Nikita can't bring herself to say- and it doesn't need saying. The rings are forgotten when Nikita kisses her and everything around her fades away.


End file.
